I am recalibrating my “ultimate” weight loss goal down five more pounds. I know this indicates slightly that I may have gone off the rails a bit. I am also sad it means I will not reach my goal weight by my birthday in five weeks.
I’ve been in basic maintenance mode for the past two or three weeks. I’ve been traveling, drinking wine and margaritas, and I have had dessert once or twice. Basically, I have been living my life — continuing to stick to the plan for the most part, but enjoying myself. My weight has been bouncing around a 2 or 3 pound range that’s a couple of pounds above my previous “ultimate” goal, which I have not yet hit.
Everyone says I “look great.” But, I know they mean compared to me being fat, not in general. I look great compared to the old fat me. That’s a relatively low bar. I have also been told I “look so thin.” Again, that’s compared to me being fat, not in general. I have been thin, and I know I am not yet thin.
My friend JF who was with me heard all the comments on Friday. He told me I need to stop now with the diet. (Amusingly, I was actually insulted when one of JF’s friends asked me if I had ordered my food a certain way because I was on a diet. I thought to myself, bitch, do I look like I need to be on a diet?!!!! Then I thought, see I look like I need to be on a diet.) JF later repeated back the comments he heard about how I look. I told him I still have more weight to lose.
The problem is that I have no idea how I look. My male friends think I am “being seductive” when I ask them how I look. Honestly, I am not. I have no freaking idea how I look. I mean, I can see how something fits, but I do not know how I look.
BP did not help when he said “what do you wear? a six?” That’s a bit crushing to a girl’s ego. I wear a 4, but I look like a wear a 6? That’s not good.
I saw myself in a picture taken on Friday night and I was shocked by how fat my face looked. I really did think I looked thinner than that. I have seen other pictures taken months ago in which I looked thinner, I thought.
My weight will fluctuate all the time, so I would prefer it fluctuate from 120 to 125 instead of from 125 to 130. That’s the reason for the new goal. There’s a slight chance that once I hit 120, I might want to drop back down to what I consider my best weight (118), but I have weeks to worry about that.
My mother is concerned. She thinks that I might be less effective if I get too skinny. The guys are concerned I might loose my figure. (Not likely.) I know I have to be skinnier and I can do it by just eating the right way and laying off the alcohol.
Right now, I look fine in person. I look fat on camera. Apparently, I look like a 6, dammit.
Now, I am back on the diet hardcore to lose the last few pounds.