I am in love.
I could say it differently, but I realized as the Long-Distance Fling was lying in my arms as he slept that I love him. That I am in love with him.
His skin under my finger tips felt electric and I watched him sleep, the rise and fall of his chest, his random kisses as he shifted positions.
He was in my arms, his head on my shoulder, our bodies entwined and I felt joy. Unparalleled joy.
This is news I feel sort of comfortable sharing here and not sharing elsewhere: I have stopped drinking.
For now. Maybe forever.
I have stopped rather than cut-back because I think it will be easier and healthier for me to say no to all then yes to some.
Below, in the comments, is the password for some password protected posts I would prefer not be indexed.
I have spent much of last evening reading through messages from the Writer to figure out when our relationship went so very wrong because he ignored me all day.
And writing about it, on this long epic post called “Are you breaking up with me?!,” which are words he said to me twice on Tuesday.
When LP unexpectedly saved me, by hiring me to frame a project we have been discussing and for which, depending upon the work I do, could lead to me creating my dream company and landing my dream job, a lot of things changed.
I called my dearest friends, the ones who know how much I have been suffering. And I texted the Writer, who has become so dear to me.
And his reactions have given me pause.
I have — for years — been struggling financially.
I got into a bad business deal, which became a terrible business deal, and I have been unable to extricate myself.
I have been unable to aggressively market myself.
I have been unable to save myself on my own.
The amount of money is takes to get me back in the game is so ridiculously low, I have been embarrassed to admit it: $1,000.
That is the amount of money I needed to pay to get everything straightened out.
And, so, after I had a working breakfast with kissing and hand-holding with LP, who was just back from a business trip, I asked him in his $100k car “hey, if you know anyone who needs to have little stuff done, let me know because I need to make some money.”
LP: “Well, we want to hire you to do the outline of this [project we've been discussing], so how about a retainer of $5,000.”
Those words, and then within an hour, actually handing me a personal check for five thousand dollars changed everything in my life.
There are other guys. There are A LOT of other guys.
This week, I have already:
Gone Out With The Lawyer
I don’t think I like this lawyer very much, and somehow I ended up going out with anyway (last minute invite and I was bored). He took me to a concert, after fancy cocktails and a cheese plate, and then to a quick dinner after. And then we made out in his car. Eh. It was unsatisfying.