A Welcome Distraction

While things with the LDF soldier on, it’s been hard in the wake of his canceled trip.  We’ve committed to three trips in three months, but the first one isn’t yet scheduled.  

I was feeling separate and apart from him, until last weekend when he connected with me lovingly and ardently, which helped keep me engaged.

But, I am lonely and I know my relationship with the LDF is better when he’s not the only man in my life.

Enter . . . a new guy, a welcome distraction. College-educated, he left the professional ranks for culinary school. Now he is building a little interesting business. His life is very much in transition.

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A Trip Postponed (LDF)

After all of the struggle and worry, LDF had to cancel his trip at the very last minute. He travels constantly for work and he could not get approved to take two days off before leaving for a weeklong business trip. It is really sad, and not entirely unexpected.  I am, as a result, missing him more than I thought possible.  Coming to close to seeing him without actually seeing him makes his loss so much greater.

I made plans with him for four months out . . . a special thing that completely coincidentally falls right after the second anniversary of when we met.

I should see him within a few weeks, which will now be a longer, more intense trip. The upside is I will be thinner. The downside is I miss him so much now that it hurts.

That means, of course, that I am actively looking for new people to date.

The young married COO who took me to dinner two months ago without telling me he was married has resurfaced. 

The even younger analyst I like very much is chatting with me and making vague plans. He’s someone who will be in my life, in some way. He’s way too young for me to date, but he’s really awesome, exceptionally talented in bed, and handsome and charming. He picked me up at a very fancy bar, while with his friend and his dad, when I was trying to introduce him to my much more age-appropriate girlfriends.

I am keeping an eye on local men who I can date without impacting my relationship with the LDF. I am not looking to fall in love with someone. I am looking for someone I can hang out with, sleep with, go to shows with, etc.

I am still completely head over heels in love with this man, despite the physical distance between us.

I am not upset that we postponed this trip: I had a lot of stress and anxiety going into it.  I did a juice fast because I was so stressed about my weight.

I cannot wait to be back in his arms, which is the place our worlds seem to make the most sense. When ever we see each other, we become so tightly connected. Soon, we will feel that again.

Five pounds.

Five pounds.

It’s not a ton of weight, even colloquially, but it feels momentous to have last five pounds in four days.  The weight loss has been slowing: 2 pounds, 1.4 pounds, .6 pound. I am afraid it will stop.

On the start of day 5, I lost another pound.

If I could keep at even a .6/day clip, I’d keep on this diet for another month and hit my goal weight, which is 15 pounds less than right now. I have more weight to lose. According to the weight tracking program I am using, at 2 lbs/week, I will hit my goal by late August. 

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The New New New Plan

It has been more than two months since I started my new job. It has been an extraordinary journey, so far.

I have a salary — albeit a relatively modest one — for the first time in years. I have a new life in every way. I was about to email a girlfriend to whine about how many events and social obligations we have on wednesday, only to stop and remember (as I do nearly every day), that all of the problems I have are the best possible problems.

I am shopping and replacing wardrobe and accessories and technology and knowing that I am managing every aspect of my life well.

I am still seeing the LDF, in that we are still in a relationship. I am not seeing the LDF because I am working here and he’s traveling and we have not yet figured out how to balance it all yet.

In the interim, I am seeing other people, having a very public, very vibrant social life.

The only element possibly out of control is my weight. My weight is fine. I am a size four. I am no longer in the grips of my eating disorder. Even under great stress and strain, I am still eating healthy things rather than actively Not Eating.

Life is better than it has been in years and I am better in my life.

More soon.

Happy.

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It’s hard to describe exactly how great I feel.

I am not certain that I’ve ever been happier. I feel strong, I feel confident, I feel powerful, I feel desirable. I feel like the best version of the best me.

Two things have happened to account for this blissful happiness: a) I got my dream job, which starts in two weeks; and b) I am in love with my long-distance fling, who is no longer a fling and might not be long distance for long.

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